I miss Andy.

**CAUTION - what you are about to read is possibly chocked full of sentimental cliches and may or may not closely resemble my slightly abnormal version of a love note... Read on at your own risk.**

Andy's in Akron working on some of his new songs with Jon from Travelogue this weekend. I'm semi-stranded at his parents' house, which has been fun and relaxing, except for the fact that I've had

"Bring back, bring back
Oh, bring back my [Birdy] to me, to me!
Bring back, bring back
Oh, bring back my [Birdy] to meeeeee!"

running through my head nonstop tonight.
Andy hates Bird jokes. But I'm not sick of them yet, so I get to make as many as I want. Harumph.


So we've been married for almost 7 months now - which sort of sounds like a really long time but is also way shorter than it feels like we've been married. We're at the point... let me rephrase that... I am at the point where almost everything he does drives me absolutely crazy... However, I'm also somehow at the point where it feels like something is missing when he's gone. Seriously? That is sooo cheesy... but it's also very true. I am simply awkward without him around.

So apparently I'm at the point where I can't stand him, but I also cant stand... not him. Er... the lack thereof. Something about a chicken.

Anyway. Someone told a friend of mine recently that she couldn't understand why Andy and I were together, that we didn't make any sense and she never would have imagined us as a good couple. I kind of thought it was funny at first, and then when I told Andy and he seemed upset that she had said that, I realized how ridiculous (and awful) it is for someone else to have any opinion on the matter at all. How could she, or anyone else for that matter, have the slightest idea of what we are like as one? I mean, maybe it didn't make sense for us to be together before we were married, but why should it have, when it is absolutely right now that we are married? Do people really think that our own eccentricities, differences and struggles really overcome what God has put together in His own hands? Do we believe that?

It's not news to anyone that Andy and I are total opposites, and in almost every way we possibly could be. And it's certainly not news to me that some of our personality quirks don't exactly "mesh" well together... In fact, that man rubs me so raw I can't stand it sometimes.

That is to say, he rubs my flesh (ie: sinful "nature") raw. Sometimes, like recently, almost everything he does irks my flesh in some way. His actions, his faith, his personality, his way of loving me... it all rips and pulls at my habitual way of thinking and being (and my way of living in constant self-defense) until it is a tangled mess of tears, anger... and eventually relief.

To be completely honest, I have never been more aware of my flesh than since we've been married. Sometimes Andy and I talk about this and I ask him if every little thing I do drives him crazy. He always answers "no" and seems very confused that I feel that way about him. My only explanation is that God must have brought him out of many of his fleshly tendencies already, and has yet to bring me through mine.

It is hard to admit that I am often frustrated or annoyed with him for no reason at all... It is also humbling to admit just how much God is using Andy in my life to break me, teach me and guide me, no matter how frustrated I am with him... I think I am gaining a new understanding of how man is the "leader". In our premarital counseling, our Pastor talked about how the man being the leader and the woman being the helpmate is not something that you do, but that it is something that you are. It is a God-given role (or position) that you step into when you get married. Then, I think it is a long journey in which we are refining tools in the life of your spouse, whether you (or they) like it or not.

What I mean is... I don't think that Andy is intentionally pushing my fleshly "buttons", so to speak, with the purpose of breaking me... nor is he trying to humble me by his strength of faith and trust in the Lord... simply by being my husband, he is my leader. That is, God is using him to lead me through the process of being refined into His Son's image. God is leading me to Himself, and away from myself (and my flesh), through my husband. Andy isn't just a leader in a worldly sense, but he is God's tool being used to direct me and take me deeper into healing, peace and joy in Christ.

Here is where I struggle... If I am truly going to believe this about him, I must also believe the same of myself. I can only hope that my irrational defensiveness and constant emotional detachment are being used to push his buttons, and causing him to seek God for the strength to overcome his flesh. I can only hope that the infrequent conversations we do have about God are leading my husband closer to Him. I can only hope that simply by being his wife, God is meeting Andy in his place of need, and helping him through me.

I wonder if I truly accepted this as who I am, not by anything I do or don't do but simply by being his wife... if I would have greater peace and feel greater freedom giving and receiving love.

And maybe if I acknowledged God's love and leadership and chose to faithfully trust Him, if it would relieve my fears in my marriage (and in my life).

I feel like God is slowly and gently directing me back to myself... that is, who He created me to be... and I have a hope that He is doing the same with my husband. Perhaps, as we draw closer to our identities in Christ, our relationship will start to make more "sense" to the outside world, but I highly doubt it. Mostly I just hope that we will continue to see how our unity makes perfect sense in our Creator's eyes, how He molded us to fit perfectly together, and how we are the undoing of our flesh and the building up of our spirit.

Simply by being.

.........


This is much more than I intended on writing, and perhaps too much for the "public" eye... and perhaps it doesn't even make sense as it was written... but here it is, my own version of a love letter.

I suppose it's more of a confession and a request for prayer for these struggles.


Andy, my darling husband, I love you.
Whether or not I'm very good at showing you... I do love you.
May we journey on, towards blissful brokenness, for many more days and months and years... together.

love,
yours.