a jolt to the spirit

this is Hadassah...

I've been very neglect in my pursuit of God lately. It would be easier to say, "I haven't been reading the Word as much as I should... I haven't been praying enough..." but I won't say that, because I have often frequented my life with these things, and yet stood far from God's outreaching arms.

The past couple of weeks have been a slow breaking through of my personal walls - namely "busyness", "exhaustion", "dissatisfaction", "fear", "petulance", and "disbelief" - and, ever so softly, I have begun to desire my Father's heart once more. I suppose it is largely because I have witnessed the breaking of others' around me, and have desired to shower them with a love, truth and grace that is not of my own making. I have hoped that God would use me to minister to those around me, yet I have not placed my hope in Him. Faith has become something that I have but do not use. I have not even asked Him to lead me into a desire for Him. I have not asked Him for faith. I have not asked Him for hope. Yet I have asked Him to use me to give it to others... do I think I cannot truly hold it as my own? Do I think I am, perhaps, not deserving of living it daily? Do I think that my only purpose is to give these gifts to others, but never rejoice in them as my own?

I read Colossians today. Here I was barraged with jarring reminders of the truths God has been teaching me for the past 2 years. As if to say, "have you forgotten Me already?" He directed my eyes to rest upon the very truths I already knew! The words I have wanted to say to others... I've been looking for a message of hope for my friends, yet today I was met with one for myself. I was at once encompassed with amazement and bowled over in awe at how unbelievable His truths are. They have made no sense to me, even as I spoke them with absolute certainty to others. It's as if I have discovered a blessed mystery that has been within, unbeknowst to me, and has at last been found again! I did not find anything new today, nothing about God or about my life has changed in the least... but I remembered something today, something that has rested in my heart since the day I died and received my Savior's life as my own.

It's been there all along, it's just that, for some strange reason, I have been looking for something else. Something outside of myself to change myself within. But Christ Himself is within me, "in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge," (Col. 2:3). And He in me, "the hope of glory," (Col. 1:27) is already completed. There is nothing outside of myself that I should seek. There is nothing more than what I already have that can make me holy. There is no external, nor even internal that I lack or should desire. It all rests within me. Now. At present.

"For it was the Father's good pleasure for all the fullness to dwell in Him [Christ]," (Col. 1:19) and "in Him you have been made complete," (Col. 2:10).

I am moved deeply within my spirit. I am humbled. I am awed.

"See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ." (Col. 2:8) ..... I have been seeking truth according to myself. I have needed to prove to myself that which is truth. But here is the most ridiculous of it all...

I am the proof.... and He in me... the hope of glory.
Not my glory, but His.

I now hold fast to what I know.